Seeds and all.
"It was like training yourself to live on the smell of an apple alone, when what you really wanted was to devour it, to sink your teeth into it and consume it, seeds, core, and all."
I was reminded of these words today as my youngest had asked to eat the apple I'd been painting.
He returned with it five minutes later, uncurling his little fingers to reveal a half eaten apple. He'd bitten through the core, to reveal a star shape at the centre. A few seeds remained. Amazed, I asked him to him, 'you ate the stalk?!' to which he patted his tummy and said 'yum, yum'. 🤷♀️
Celeste Ng's quote relates specifically to our relationship, as Mothers, with our children. I feel with the impending six weeks holiday, which follows a gazillion weeks of the lockdown/ home schooling/ real life schooling rollercoaster, there's a wanting. A wanting to not miss a second of them and devour all of it. Of them. The joy of them. But for me, this unblemished desire often conflicts with the bruised reality, the pressure to keep our children entertained and in a joyful, simply pleased, realm of happiness. I'd like to tell you our household constantly radiates a creative hub of hippie happy energy but I'd be lying.
I'm very aware as time passes, that I won't feel like I have the same entitlement to cover them with kisses, snuggle up and hold their hand. In fact, I've noticed a wanting on my part to have my hand held by a little hand. So soft and familiar. Reassurance that I'm still wanted. Still needed. It's progressed somewhat from spooning melting farleys into mouths or nervously anticipating their steps as they edge towards stairs. Although new anxieties still exist but they have evolved. My fear is one day reaching out and my hand is not taken and I'll be left to live on the smell of them.
I guess it's making the good, joyful moments count and accepting, it can't be like that all the time.
How are you feeling about the 'holidays?' Xx