The Love Affair.
Unquestionably, the relationship you forge with your child pulls you in more directions emotionally than your worst love affair ever did.
Fortunately for me, any past loves were pretty good guys really. By contrast…. my eldest… absolute blinkin’ heartbreaker.
Like all the best social media photos, here we are only a few moments from quite a different story.
He looks like an angel here, right?
This was taken on holiday about fifteen minutes after an absolute explosion of overwhelm on his part which lasted the good part of an hour.
Not long after I’d taken this photograph, my eyes were pricking with tears and I was piecing together in my head what I am about to write…. I was shaken, angry and emotionally exhausted and it was fuelled by none other but my own child.
I then calmed down a bit, felt less compelled to post anything, we collected a few shells, played pooh sticks and he made some lucky pebbles. Happy families once again.
Then today, with only days until the end of the summer holidays, those immense feelings reared their ugly head again with yet another explosion of emotions from this one. All at once. Like all the wrong doings, all the times you said no, suddenly fired right back at you.
I touched in a recent post how Motherhood exposes you to so many different emotions, and they ain’t all good! When I was expecting with Luca, I had a very rose tinted view of my life with a baby. People spoke of the lack of sleep, but what of it, right? It didn’t take long before I understood the rest and every day since.
Unconditional love. It hits us. Like a poisoned arrow to the heart. Sounds a bit dramatic Lisa, well, please read on.
The thing with children is, they are part of you.
So, unlike a bad ex-boyfriend, who in hindsight, you can pick to death their short-comings, with your own child, you can not and should not. Quite simply, they are a product of you and by criticising them, you are pointing the finger also back to yourself. You can’t even really share your disgust with your closest friend or family because, this child, is yours. You can only work on over coming, solutions, resolutions. In a toxic relationship, you can choose to leave, write a letter, send a text perhaps…. or an email, maybe an awkward phone conversation to jump ship from the conflict.
With your child, you can’t. You need to deal with it, head on, in the moment and try, to the best of your ability, muster the act of muddling through the situation as a grown up… or whatever you think a grown up might do in that given moment.
With your child, there is you and only you and you are the only one that is accountable. You can’t pass them on, trade them in for a brighter, shinier one. Only you can try to pick to pieces how they are feeling and try and decipher why on earth that silly something triggered the volcano to blow hot molten lava all over you, your calm and your visions of what being a Mummy was all about. Only you can dissect and self-analyse, trying to think how you can possibly overcome this moment of absolute and all-consuming emotion.
Parenthood is not only physically demanding, emotionally, it takes you to levels that you would have never experienced before.
This child. My happy, bright, cuddly child can switch and all my thoughts are consumed by is, why is he like this?
Motherhood moments of exasperations, triggering a fight or flight response like I’ve never known before. Every day learning, the hard way. Every time we get over it and we return to one another for cuddles, my arms wrapped around your tiny frame which a moment ago, seemed to engulf all of me in a red haze.
My greatest love affair will undoubtably be this little guy…. despite the highs and lows, I love him with every iota of my being and to the moon and back but boy, do I have to earn that love some days!
The moral of this tale. We all have bad days but the good ones make is all worth it.
Sending love and best wishes to all of you who’s children may be experiencing feelings of overwhelm at the prospect of going back to nursery, starting a new school year or starting at a new school next week. Each come with their own challenges but just know, however you respond to your child, you are doing an amazing job! xx